Praise all that is good, I’m driving a pick-up truck again!
Yep, I’ll repeat those words one more time, I’m driving a pick-up truck again! And not just any old pick-up truck, either, I’ve bought a black pick-up truck. And not just a plain old black pick-up truck, either, a black old Toyota pick-up truck. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just purchased my third black pick-up truck, and I’ve named her, “Ole Black 3,” or just “Three” for short. Life couldn’t be better.
As I write this, I’ve already driven her a couple of places, and I swear on every Elvis CD that I possess that I’ll never own another car again. It’s trucks for me for here on out, and here’s why:
1. You get to sit up high in a truck, which I personally think is much safer. You can see the road around you much more clearly, get a wider view through your rear view mirror, and, if a low slung sports car with a stunning, generic blonde happens to ride by, you can view scenery unsurpassed in nature or anywhere else. Driving a truck is a great strengthening tool for a man’s eyes, you could almost say it‘s like a rolling health club for improved male vision.
2. If you buy a truck with just a standard cab, the most people you can lug around with you is typically two. This will get you out of hauling the whole office crowd out to lunch, or out of taking certain relatives to the movies or whatever. A truck is one of the few things left in the world that a man can really have all to himself, in fact, if you get right down to it, the only two places left for men to enjoy full uninhibited privacy are either in their trucks or their bathrooms. And someone can blunder in on you in the bathroom, but in a moving truck?
3. Women aren’t tempted to put dainty looking seat covers or less than masculine looking air fresheners in a truck. Thank God.
4. No place does the CD, “The Best Of BTO (So Far),” sound better than in a truck. In my opinion, Fred Turner’s voice is probably responsible for thousands of guys seeking employment in the trucking industry, because behind the wheel of a big rig they can spend lots of time listening to “Roll On Down The Highway,” “Let It Ride,” or “Not Fragile.” We should all publicly thank Fred for encouraging this subtle blending of music, art, and trucking.
5. If you’re a teenager and drive a truck you automatically have an advantage - your parents won’t think that you can go parking in a truck, which means that you can line up lots of dates and privately prove them wrong...
6. Because of a truck’s suspension, it bounces around a lot more out on the road, which keeps you awake on long drives and also causes you to make more stops to go to the bathroom. And each time you stop at a convenience store to use the john you typically buy something (I always do that cause I feel guilty about taking a wee for free). As a result, you’ve stimulated our nation’s economy, which is always a good thing.
7. Of course, we all know you can haul stuff in a truck which can save you lots of money on moving and shipping fees and stuff. And, if you drop the right kind of hints, you can get out of lots of work by making a big deal out of the fact that you hauled over all the lumber for your neighbors new three story, super equipped tree house in your truck, therefore, the least that everyone else can do is build the dang thing....
Yep, I’m a happy camper again, in fact, I’m a happy camper, a happy trucker, and once again, a happy listener of a good ole’ truck cassette player. A cassette player loaded with BTO, Elvis, the Atlanta Rhythm Section, and Allman Brothers Band music, all blasted out at loud volumes (...am I worried about it hurting my ears? If it hasn’t already, it ain’t gonna, so I intend to keep on rockin)! Basically, y’all could say that I’m again one with myself, nature, the Brotherhood, and with life. A man that knows himself. A man at peace with his environment. And soon, a man with a big styrofoam cup full of boiled peanuts right there in the cab with him, as my truck has the correct sized holder for them, and I’ve missed that more than a milk cow misses a warm set of hands...
About the Author
Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com. |
